Remembering

Scene from our kitchen table this morning. Reese was playing with play-doh and cookie cutters - while I was on the phone. She pulled out an angel cookie cutter (random assortment of remaining Holiday material) and all of a sudden asked...

R: Mama T where is your mommy?
Me: Did the angel make you think of my mommy?
R: No
Me: My mommy is not alive any more. She got very sick and died before you were born.
R: Why did she get sick?
Me: I wish I knew, but I don't know Reese.
R: Do you miss her?
Me: With all of my heart.
R: Did you love her?
Me: Of course I did, with everything I am. She was an amazing lady. Did you know you were named after her?
R: No- but that's cool.

Few minutes pass.

R: What do you think she is driving?
We finally came to the conclusion that my mom is driving a convertible cloud car (similar to the care bear cloud) that has rainbows coming out of it.

I think she would like that idea.

August is just around the corner, and the annual marking of her passing is quickly approaching. It's hard to believe that she has been gone for so long, and there there are moments. Moments where she feels like she is right here with me - talking to me and reminding me of all the beauty and good that life has to bring. And that she existed. She is not a dream, but a very real part of who I am and who my children are. I try to not feel sad or envious if what they missed out on, but celebrate how much she gave me to and gave them. But still, there are days... i miss her.

We have been finalizing all of the kids Hebrew names. We are joining the local synagogue and thought that this would be an occasion for a naming ceremony. I did not know that Devorah means "bee keeper" in Hebrew - seems appropriate. Mom always was the Queen Bee.

There have been many messages lately. I don't know what they all mean, or maybe it is just mom trying to telling me that when we pass - we all get our own cloud car.